Nothing at All

Many moons ago on this day, I was born
On that paradise island in the sun
You would have thought, oh what a gay day!
As mama took me home on that fated day
A pretty little thing I was not so they said
Grandmama hissed aren't you ashamed to bring that home
As if two heads I had! a ray of sunshine she was not,
Know not what mama thought or said
Imparted to me that was not, of what she felt what she thought.
She'd talk not a lot my mama, I remember much not
Many memories I have not, from my early years
Except I remember this searing pain. boiling water over me
Not mama's fault I'd say, except leaving that kettle where it should not be
Me falling over it, being burnt such a lot still have the scars to this day
To remind me one does not place a kettle where a child can reach or not.
A stick insect was I was as thin as can be through my early years
Why did she like me not, from the others differently she treated me not
I think not I remember not, she hugging me or not!
In the between years, I remember much not
I understood not why outsiders would say, she'll be the best of the lot
Knowing not their meaning, mama liked it not a lot
For an ugly duckling was I!
Thinking back those many moons ago growing up
My body I liked not my bum, my neck giraffe-like so I thought
Too long for my liking, my feet I thought enormous
Why was I so ugly!
Thought I, for I was not made to feel otherwise.
Staring at me, hated those outside self-conscious was I
I hated passing by men as they stare such a lot
Hissing at me hated it embarrassing I understood not so innocent was I
I knew not, nothing at all, the bane, of my life they were
I knew not how to act what to say.
So I became detached from my feelings my mind
Following me stalking, I guess today you'd say!
Unwelcome attention in any way...
But that's not here nor there I came through this growing up business
Unscathed I'd say giving myself not to anyone, they tried!
Mama would have skinned me alive!
I was meant for the one from across the waters, far, far away
Loaded he came, with cameras hanging from his neck
In that moment in time, my every angle he'd recorded
On the lens of his cameras, mad I thought he was...
Didn't know what he saw in me!
Go away says I, but a seed he'd planted in my mind my heart
Germinating ever so slowly.
Until one day a butterfly metamorphosing from that chrysalis that was I
My eyes open were as yet again seeing him standing there time and time again
Those cameras from his neck hanging at all times
Now here am I many moons since an ugly duckling I was
Just one love...But at times, I think I need more than I need
Never experiencing any other, missing something comes to mind
Wondering at times if the blue eyed at times on my mind...
What can one say when one thinks one needs
Much more than one needs but he's ingrained on, my mind, I know not
After, all many moons have gone by
I know not, I know not nothing at all...

             By Connie James...