Mama!!

                    MAMAN!!

I fear I have been too harsh on you
For you had it not too easy all you had to do
Too many demands upon you
Too many children to see too
Your hands were too full I know
& a very truculent grand-mama to cope with too
Never happy was she,  I know;
Demanding at all times never very pleasant to you
But not once did I hear you complain
Revolting against, burying all in the depths of you
Rebelling you did not, never once;
Helpful she was not, making demands upon demands on you
I've come to realise if one's shown love not
One can not show love in return,
For one knows not how to love...
Or maybe that's just the way it was then
You had years of that, that Sargent major in her!
Mama! I can not envisage what you must have gone through
She was not an easy person to get on with
Each time you became pregnant she derisively
Say aren't you ashamed! put a knot in it...
As if married mama was not...
A choice she had not in those days
Don't know how you coped with us all
& that vicious grand-mama that evil glint in her eyes!
Within me, I realise that at the end of your tether must have been
Like a worm in your ear gnawing away
From the inside out eating at you...
Just to shut her up hitting us
Am sure with a silently tear flowing from your eyes
Although am sure I've never seen it
& if you were like me as I slapped mine I'd cry a river
For I promised myself I never would
Until I lost my cool!
But I only had two, but you with your little army & grandmama too
Envisage I can not how you kept going
Pulling your hair out you must have wanted to!
But mama! I've this ache within me
Disperse cannot this feeling within me
Hungry for your love, that hug that never came my way
Yet I know I know too much was happening your way
Feel ashamed to say I feel this way
This insurmountable sorrow from day to day I carry within me;
Really! I didn't know you did I!!
Rebelled against you blaming you, for what I know not!
For dying on me!! leaving me!
Following my own star, my one path my own world!
No one would ever tell me what to do or hit me
Or whatever have you!
I've become that rebel within me
Just a little love I needed from you
But you knew not how to give... Love!!
That stick would speak volumes when a hug would suffice;
But looking through your eyes I can see why
That's the way you were brought up you were shown not love
So embedded into us, regimen-tally making us though
How to behave, how to stand erect never slouching;
Looking in the eyes of those that would have spoken to us
Manners at the table are a must;
Never shovelling food's in one's face for we're not animals!
Spoon reaching one's mouth, never mouth reaching, spoon
Manners paramount in all things
But I guess we have grand-mama to thank too
Following suit mama would do
How to stand straight shoulders, back head erect
For we all have this way in the way we move
That look in our eyes, watching!
Some would call it arrogance in us flinching not
Say what's in our minds, carefully not rehearsed!
Not welcome to all,
Something eluding me, I must say
Lost along the way, not always my way...
Inherently within me a troubled mind
For I kowtow not to anyone
It's deeply embedded within me
I think not always, my difficulty.
We were a force to contend with
Grand-mama, mama & me!!

              By Connie James...